Gentleman

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Prologue

Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. I must be the dumbest person on earth, imprudence sends me memories. I am the queen of idiocy and the mother of all carelessness.

Mother. That word.

Oh God... I'm going to be a mother!

In the bathroom of my room, I read the blood test I did to make sure that the three pregnancy tests done earlier were wrong... as if they could be. My God, how could I be so careless? I have nauseous, but I know it's because of the news. I can't attribute it to the morning effects of pregnancy since it's three in the afternoon and I haven't even had a bite.

My eyes are full of tears because emotionally I´m divided, and when my emotions become chaos I cry. Much.

I feel scared because I know that becoming a mother is scary, the fact that a little person depends entirely on you is something that makes you want to run away to hide with mom.

I also feel emotion, that is because I will no longer be alone, a little being will come to rejoice my life with sincere affection, and I will give him my unconditional love, that is something that gives me some peace in chaos.

Finally, I feel ashamed, that's what I like least, but it is so. I´m bound by a married man, and although I know the terms of his situation well, I am still ashamed.

I am neither the first nor the last woman to be going through this, and surely many of those girls or women don´t see it with shame or as a bad thing, that is fine for them... but personally, my situation doesn´t seem like the better, as I see it, is the perception of my life and I tend to take my perceptions very seriously.

I keep flogging mentally because I knew that I should get away from him… a man who isn´t available to me, that is what the fucking attraction does, that the more time you spend with that person and it is reciprocated you enter a kind of spell... Things happen that shouldn´t. Of course we don´t have  justification... it is true that we aren´t responsible for developing feelings towards other people that occurs naturally, what we are responsible for is the actions we take because of that and its possible consequences.

As now, I already feel bad for having slept with him on a drunken night, we should move away as we had promised, but a celebration with a little alcohol on the body and send all good intentions to the devil.

I need to talk to someone, I immediately think of my best friend.

I leave my room quickly and look for the keys to my car, opening the door almost gives me a heart attack by the surprise of finding the brother´s cause of my big problems. Right now, part of me, that tells me that only I am to blame, because I already knew his situation, is silenced to avoid feeling more ashamed. Not that I achieved it much.

“We need to talk”. Those gray eyes remind me of the ones I've come to love so much, and the paleness is covering his face.

“I can't, I'm going out”. My voice trembled, showing nervousness.

“It already happened”.  He said with watery eyes. I felt worse still.

When I detailed it, I noticed that it seemed that I had not slept for many days, it gave me pain that it is that bad. The least I want in the world is to suffer, because regardless of what is happening, is a wonderful man. That sweetness and that human quality was what got me to fall in love with him woke up that part in me that I thought died a long time ago, but I haven't lost that capacity to love.

But seeing it, I can recognize that love; more than beautiful moments, it is surrender, it is sacrifice and it is pain.

But this story doesn´t start here.

Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. I must be the dumbest person on earth, imprudence sends me memories. I am the queen of idiocy and the mother of all carelessness.

Mother. That word.

Oh God... I'm going to be a mother!

In the bathroom of my room, I read the blood test I did to make sure that the three pregnancy tests done earlier were wrong... as if they could be. My God, how could I be so careless? I have nauseous, but I know it's because of the news. I can't attribute it to the morning effects of pregnancy since it's three in the afternoon and I haven't even had a bite.

My eyes are full of tears because emotionally I´m divided, and when my emotions become chaos I cry. Much.

I feel scared because I know that becoming a mother is scary, the fact that a little person depends entirely on you is something that makes you want to run away to hide with mom.

I also feel emotion, that is because I will no longer be alone, a little being will come to rejoice my life with sincere affection, and I will give him my unconditional love, that is something that gives me some peace in chaos.

Finally, I feel ashamed, that's what I like least, but it is so. I´m bound by a married man, and although I know the terms of his situation well, I am still ashamed.

I am neither the first nor the last woman to be going through this, and surely many of those girls or women don´t see it with shame or as a bad thing, that is fine for them... but personally, my situation doesn´t seem like the better, as I see it, is the perception of my life and I tend to take my perceptions very seriously.



Carolina_Silva212

#104 in Romance
#14 in Contemporary fiction
#12 in ChickLit

Story about: romance, betrayal, drama

Edited: 05.05.2020

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