“Miles, why is my coffee machine broken?” he asked with an upset tone in
his voice. I turn to look at it and turn to look back at him. “Yah dad… it was
an accident. I just wanted some coffee and… lo siento…” I stutter to my
dad. My mom came downstairs and saw us in our little “deadlock”. “No! Guzman if you slap him again, we will see where you will sleep tonight!” my
mom intervenes. She came and moved me away from my dad. I really didn’t
feel like coffee anymore, so I just left the house. I wasn’t a typically mad
person, and I fought the power of rage over me. But situations like this
seriously made it easy for me to detonate.
At school, Catalina was waiting for me in class. But when I noticed her
approaching, I put on my earphones because I was not in the arguing mood.
“Miles, my love, why are you ignoring me?” she said in her light voice. But I
intensified the volume to drown her voice from audibility. She removed the
earphone from my ear and her cheeks grew red, as if though she were to
burst into tears. “Look Catalina, how many times must I repeat this: we are
over and done!” I say strongly. She gave me a big slap across the face; thus
launching me backwards. And she walked away; I could hear people around
me mumbling and others giggling and doing what-not. I wasn’t going to
chase after her as her imaginations said I would… that would mean I’d lost
my mind. I popped my ear buds on and listened to my music. Throughout
the day, I just sat with my head on the desk; feeling unloved to the core.
After school, as I was walking, Catalina came by me. “Que? What do you
want? You don’t want me and I don’t want ‘us’ anymore” I say in a low
voice. She tried to speak to me, but Catalina was more of a listener than
she was a speaker. “Look not today, not here and not now okay?” I ask her.
She grows red-faced and stares into my eyes; “I want you to tell me what
pains you, what disturbs you. I want us to talk this through” she said very
We then reach the door of my house; “Cat, you are a piece of my heart, but
not right now, okay? I need you to leave me alone for now” I say sadly. Her
eyes well up with tears, her cheeks grow deeper in redness and she leans
her head into my chest to weep on me.
What she did touched my heart and sudden flow of all our best times came
rushing back into my heart. She was a part of me, and I didn’t want to kick
her away. “I'm sorry Catalina, okay? Te amo” I tell her silently. She looks
into my eyes with tears flowing from hers: “I love you, too” she said. sorrowfully. But someone disturbed us; my dad opened the door on the spot
and he made the atmosphere around us very awkward.
Catalina wipes her tears quickly so that my dad doesn’t see them, but it was
too late… “Miles, what’s happening here, huh? I hope you didn’t break her
heart” he says sternly. “Don’t worry about me” Catalina says while sniffling.
But my dad didn’t buy it; “Get in the house, Miles” dad tells me. Catalina and
I let go of each other and she waves me good-bye. When I get in the
house, I immediately do what I can to run and get to my room, shut the door
and ignore everything… but dad had other ideas.
“Where are you running off?” my dad questions me as I jog up the stairs. I
turn back to show him that I'm saddened; “Dad please… not right now” I say
sensitively. My dad nods his head and says “Fine then. You can upstairs
and do what you want to.” So I turn, go to my room and lay on my bedstead.
I wanted to sleep and not wake up. I wanted to just wander away and
become inexistent. I just didn’t want…
I could easily get stressed out compared to most people I had known;
probably for medical reasons I had not known. But in any other case, I didn’t
care; I felt like such a mistake; all I did had either failed or it was
deteriorating. Even the saddest music in the world wasn’t enough to numb
my pain inside. I needed someone to talk to, but it seemed as if everyone
was a lost cause; Catalina wouldn’t get me, mom wouldn’t get me and,
certainly, dad would never understand me.
I wanted someone who could understand my pain, my suffering and my
misfortune; I thought Catalina might’ve been of help.
(Hey cat) (Hi Miles; are you alright?) (I need you here by my side)
(Don’t be ridiculous; you just told me that you weren’t interested and
not in the mood for me today) (I was just sad; my sorrow hurts me and
I end up making very bad choices) (No Miles, you don’t love me…)
(You are in error; I do) (You chase me like I'm a dog, loco!) (Please
don’t do this, bae) (Be careful what you say, Miles; I'm not your baby!) (I'm sorry; I'm so sorry, Catalina can you find it in your heart to
Well, she kinda blue ticked that message; what could I say? I did often treat
her like a dog, but she still didn’t want to apologize to me. So I put the
phone down and lay my head to sleep.
The subsequent day, I woke up with a heavy heart; almost as if though I’d
been lifting weights in my sleep. It was raining this morning, so the sky was
really grey; I like walking in the rain, because no one can notice my tears.
That was one of my grandpa’s quotes. My granddad was an English
professor in Mexico; he spoke the finest English our family tree had ever
seen. In fact, he was the one who moved to Atlanta and met with my
grandmother, who was a librarian; so you can imagine the mishmash. My
granddad is the one person who understood me the most; every time, when
I was about five or six, whenever there was an issue or mishap at home, he
let me know that he was always available to help me out. He used to buy
me the chocolate cakes mom used to claim were unhealthy for me, he is the
one who bought me my first cellphone, he is the one who helped me pull out
my first baby tooth. I carried a lot of emotion whenever thoughts of him vied
through my mind.
But, the sad story is, he passed away when I was fourteen years old; more
than that, he passed away on my birthday. You can imagine; you are
happily expecting you favorite family member to show up to your birthday
party, but a couple of middle aged men in doctor robes show up when
everyone is singing “How old are you now?” and blurt out “Sorry muchacho;
your grand pappy has passed away.” At moments like those, I didn’t know
whether to implode or explode; I was so angry; I felt like it was my fault…
Back to this morning; I stared at my blue and purple braces as I brushed my
teeth with my electronic toothbrush. I was really hoping mom wouldn’t come
into my room and forbid me from going to school, because of the weather;
like I said before: I loved the rain; it was as if though the clouds were crying;
it was as if they understood what I felt. The rain was my best friend in moments of sorrow; they hid my tears, they cooled my temper and they
cried alongside me. I know I sound like a complete psycho, but not
everyone can be like everyone; I'm special in my own way.
As I was looking through my drawer for a clean tee shirt to wear this day, I
came upon an old photo of Catalina and I; I was super sorry for the way I
had treated her, but she wouldn’t want to hear it. She made me feel
awesome with her smile, with her laugh and by just being her; she had
awesome curly and long hair; just the way I liked it. She had all that I was
searching for in a woman, except for the fact that we easily disconnected
from each other. After putting on two tee shirts, two sweaters and a
raincoat, I went downstairs; mum and dad were having coffee and eggs or
whatever else they were eating. “Come sit here, mi chico” mum says. She
smiled at me; whenever mum smiled at me, I couldn’t resist but go over and
give her a huge morning hug.
“Did you sleep well, Miles?” she asks in joy. I didn’t want to tell her my
stress filled nights, because my mum had clinical depression when she was
my age, so I wasn’t interested in giving it an invitation back into her
mentality by pounding her over the head with my own mentalities. So I divert
the question she asks me; “Uhm… is it fine if I go to school today?” she
pulls the kitchen curtain to look out the window; “Are you sure you want to
go out today, sweetie?” she asks “It looks like its negative something
degrees outside.” But she didn’t know that I loved the rain; such a good and
perfect gift from God himself. “Yes mom; I want to go to school; you forever
urge me to leave this house, but whenever I want to, you urge me to stay in”
I reply in hidden joy. She sighs and permits me to leave; “Ask your dad to
drop you of though; I don’t want you absorbing water” she adds. I didn’t
want to; ugh. I don’t want this; why’d she have to add the last part. “Mommy,
let me walk; I want to walk” I reply in shudder. “No; no; no; your papa is
going to drop you, or you aren’t going to school today” she says indignantly.
My dad then takes the final sip of his coffee and grabs the car keys and
signals me to leave the house and go to the car.