11. Dreams and wishes

"I had planned so many things for a long life and now I organize everything so that I can leave in peace..." 

-Thalia
 

October 10th, 2016

At my request, I am at my grandmother's house, actually I am sitting in front of the lake, I am alone because I wanted to think and be in peace.

Everyone is sad, Mom doesn't eat, Toby is very upset because of the tension in the house, and Dad is so sad that he locks himself in the library. Charlotte and Maggie try to get me to finish reading the last book in the Reed Brothers' saga and they even read it to me since I have little strength left.

On the other hand, Elli and Max have been going through here but work and classes overwhelm them so they can't spend much time with me, while Analia and Rose are choking me to eat and do things that really don't matter to me now. And Jake ... He doesn't let go of me for a minute, when he leaves class he runs home because he believes that this way, he can hold me.

Many people have come to see me at the house and I really hate that some hypocrites reappear now that I am dying.

I cannot bear to see those I love like this, but I must let them go and they to me because I can't take it anymore. While I am at the lake, I think about everything I wanted before discovering my illness.

I dreamed of finishing high school and going to college to study Graphic Design.

I would have confessed my love to Jake, we probably would have been dating, after finishing college (And that is if the relationship survived), we would get married and have 2 babies. I would have been in the front row at Elliot's first "Thalia" collection fashion show, would've see Charlotte as the lead model. Plus, I would have supported Maggie with her first book. I would have watched my little brother grow up and become a man. I would have seen Max be an incredible architect, I had already planned that he would do the plans for my house.

Rose would be married to Ben, while Analia would have her dream dance academy.

I would have traveled all over the world knowing incredible places with my friends and my brother.

Maybe I would have dedicated myself to writing books reviews on a page created by me, I also would have liked to help in programs so that children have a better education and support children with cancer.

I once dreamed of my first kiss, of my first time, but it never happened.

I had planned a big wedding, in front of the lake, a white dress, long and beautiful like that of a princess, Dad would lead me by the hand on a path of roses and give me the man of my life.

I would be godmother of the children of my 4 best friends, who would grow up together with mine.

He would teach Toby everything he had learned, take him camping every summer.

He would parachute me, attend painting classes, have a garden to plant many flowers, meet famous people and writers that I like.

I wanted to be there for all the people who love me and who had loved me, I had promised that if I survived cancer, I would be a different girl, more open and expressive with the people I love. I was going to cling to life to enjoy every moment as if it were my last.

Unfortunately, none of that happened, all of remained in my mind and heart, so I will take it with me because I do not want to continue seeing the people, I love the most, suffer for something that no longer has a case.

Dr. Black called me to tell me about a new treatment in which I ran the risk of dying in the first session but that if it worked it could give me a few more months of life ... I did not accept, it was pain for my body and heart, I was not going to resist it.

Some think I am insensitive but I know that if they see me breaking down crying, they will never accept that I am leaving, they all fight to hold me back and won't let me go, except for Elliot.

I cry every night, not only from the physical suffering, but also from the emotional, inside I am completely devastated.

One more letter is missing, I will write it with the last strength that I have left, with my last breath of life and after that, I will be able to leave in peace.

Last night I dreamed of Grandpa, he hugged me telling me that soon it would stop hurting, that I just had to wait a little longer and I believe him, after that I escaped to Toby's room, I watched him sleep until the sun came up. My little angel is so perfect.

When it gets dark, as the minutes go by, I watch how the lake becomes something mystical, the moon shines on it, illuminating it. I smile and for the first time in weeks, I feel peace, I take a deep breath, listening as night falls. In that peace and tranquility that I feel, I close my eyes, I sigh and give thanks to life that has given me everything, now I'm almost ready to go.