How are you, me?

A Glimpse of Hope

In this planet occupied by billions of people, I've been trying so hard to find authenticity.

All my life, I've been subjected to the pain caused by those people who used me for their own benefits and abandon me when they don't need me anymore. It made me feel like I'm a recyclable garbage. Something that they will throw when they don't have a use for it then they will pick up again once they need it.

And I'm tired of that.

I'm tired of chasing people and begging them to stay in my life. I'm tired if crying during the night because I was tossed out or left alone again. I'm tired of blaming  myself for everyone leaving me behind. I'm tired of asking myself if there was something wrong with me.

I live like an empty shell, losing all motivation and will to continue living and interacting with others. I build a wall so that no one could ever take advantage of me anymore. I thought that it's better to be lonely than to be left alone. It's better to isolate myself than be pathetic.

And I hate myself for that. Because no matter how much I try to stand alone, deep inside me, I know I'm still waiting.

I'm still waiting for that someone to arrive and show me that the world isn't what I thought it was. That I am just surrounded by the wrong people and the truth is that there are still people out there who could be sincere towards others. I'm still waiting for someone to save me from this lonely abyss I've been drowning myself in.

But maybe it is all for naught. I can't help but think that maybe it was just an ideal. That no one in this earth could be that someone. Maybe there is no hope for me. There would be no saving me anymore.

But I'm still waiting. I couldn't abandon that hope. I just  can't...


Edited: 20.11.2020

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