It is a lovely October day. It’s unusually warm and sunny for this time of the year. The only thing indicating it is fall is the colorful leaf carpet on the ground. The colors are still vibrant as if they are still attached to the twigs and branches of the trees.
If it weren’t for the ceremony and the place this would be the perfect day for a picnic.
Our first date was a picnic. We had so much fun. I was nervous but each time I looked into Sam’s eyes I calmed down. I felt like I knew him, even though we just met. His eyes were always so warm and comforting. He was the balm that my heart needed. And I tried to be the same for him. I can’t imagine what he went through as a child and my heart aches that I was never able to take some of his pain away. But I vowed that each time we would be together I would make him happy. Replace every bad memory with a happy one.
I thought I had enough time to do that.
But time was stolen from us.
I don’t pay attention to what Uncle Joe says. I’m certain it’s a beautiful speech about Sam and what a wonderful person he was.
They asked me to say something, but I am not sure I can. I haven’t spoken since the hospital, since I whispered my love to him.
When Alex came home and told me that Sam had an accident I felt the earth move and swallow me, just like it did in my dream. I cried on the way to the hospital that I thought I might dehydrate myself. I didn’t even know the human body could produce so many tears.
I knew before they told me.
It was like my heart was beating, but it was out of sync. How else would it be? Its counterpart stopped dancing that rhythmic dance of love and mine got confused. I stopped breathing when they uttered the words I dreaded the most.
I don’t know what to do anymore. I cocooned myself in my room and played that mixed CD Sam gave me over and over again, as if the songs could bring him back, but they can’t. He is gone. He left me. And I will never be whole again. He had my heart and now it’s gone. Even if I wanted to give it to anyone else I wouldn’t be able to. It belonged to him and him alone. And now they are both gone.
I think I listened to his favorite song a hundred times. I know every note, every lyric, every pain behind each verse. It is still ringing in my ears while he is lowered to rest in the cold ground. I wait for everyone to leave and by some miracle no one comes to me, not even my parents.
“I can see every tear you’ve cried, like an ocean in your eyes. All the pain and the scars have left you cold. I can see all the fears you face, through a storm that never goes away. Don’t believe all the lies that you’ve been told.” I’m a terrible singer, but it feels right to sing his favorite song to him. After all, he sang it to me. “I’ll be right here now, to hold you when the sky falls down. I will always be the One who took your place. When the rain falls I won’t let go. I’ll be right here.”
I can’t take this pain any longer. I kneel down, trying to be as close as I can to him. “I will show you the way back home, never leave you all alone. I will stay until the morning comes. I’ll show you how to live again and heal the brokenness within. Let me love you when you come undone.” I’m sobbing. I can’t hear a thing, my wailing is preventing it. I can hardly breathe, my lungs are on fire and my skin burns. I feel like my whole body is craving to touch him wherever he might be, because down there in that casket is only his body. Sam isn’t here anymore and he will never come back and I don’t know how to fix that, how to fix my empty soul. How can I tell my soul that its mate is gone? It’s impossible.
I am fully lying down on the ground crying so hard I think I won’t be able to stand again. I want Sam, I want him back. Whole and happy and with that crooked smile plastered on his face, those warm chocolate brown eyes staring back at me, those full lips pressing gently but firm against mine, his hard body wrapped around mine, shielding me from the outside world like it’s a bombing shelter.
But my shelter is gone.
The bombs got it.
It’s destroyed and I don’t know where to go or what to do.
I feel like I’m a ship in the middle of the ocean that is drifting further and further away, leaving land far behind.
How can I ever heal this wound? How will I ever find my heart again?
Why him, God? You could have taken me dozens of times, but you didn’t. Why him? He deserved to live and be happy. He had this awful childhood, he deserved a long, happy life. I would have done everything to make him happy.
He was so full of life, enjoying it and making me see the good parts. He was my anchor when I was so willing to give up. He is the only one who knew all my troubles and fears and he was the only one who casted these demons out of my life. How will I ever survive without him?
Why did you have to put him on my path, Lord? To mock me? To hurt me? To destroy the little bit of faith I had in you? Why?
“Bee, sweetheart, let’s go home,” I hear my father whisper. His voice is sad and hurt, but it fades in comparison to the pain I feel.
“I don’t want to. I want to stay here, with him,” I say stubbornly, my voice raw, hoarse from all the crying.
“Sweetheart, it’s been hours, it’s getting dark. I don’t want you to get sick,” he says gently.
“I don’t care. I want to stay here with him, be with him,” I say and new tears find their way into my eyes.