Know? Loneliness begins to feel heavy after a while, loneliness can become a faithful companion, a friend of the soul, something meaningful, something that will always be there for when we need it and will be until when we do not know that we need it, she will be there to Always, although we feel in company she will always return, return one, two, ten and even a thousand times, but once she starts she won't stop, she'll be forever by our side, she is and will be our most loyal companion...
Know? My best companion was always loneliness, I needed her and nobody else, but sometimes if I needed someone, I needed someone to help me with my demons, I needed someone I could trust, I just needed someone who was always by my side No matter what I did, I wanted someone to give me that I needed, that someone was what I wanted, was what I yearned for and did not find anywhere... I felt more and more alone, I felt worse, I felt like I was missing something or someone... I Just felt the loneliness that I had always felt so far, only this time it felt worse...
It became strange the feeling of needing someone in my life when I was alone for a long time, it felt terribly strange the fact that I had no one to love me, it felt horrible to think that perhaps I would die alone; I have never cared to think that I would die alone, but in those moments in my life I would give everything because only one person, whoever, but someone told me or give me everything that always emptied my life... But Nothing, there was that someone who was there for me, that someone who made me feel butterflies, that no matter what I did would stay with me, just because it was me, no one existed.
Many times I fall in love if you asked, but that love I felt no one had given it back, it felt many times empty and painful to give so much to someone and that in the end that someone alone left you alone or even give you time to know , most of the times in which I felt that I had fallen in love and that someone could reciprocate me happened otherwise, nobody wanted to even approach me, I do not know if it is by my way of being or by my way of seeing the world that people fear to look at me I... I just want someone who loves to look at me even if my eyes become sad, even if my soul wants to leave my body.
Many times I sat down to think about my department if love ever would come to me, many times I just wanted to stop looking for what I did not find, I wanted to stop suffering for something that perhaps would never find or contrary discover that something that gave me a new way to see The life.
I found it many times or at least that was what I had to believe, I was always very innocent to think that those people so superficial would fall in love with me, who would appreciate all that I could have given, which would take into account the amount of hours I spend P I soñándolas in them, let it pass, Amándolas, that I may simply pass them on in my soul.
I Know many will think about why I killed them and not just had them for my enjoyment, I know it is a question that everyone should ask, but the answer is simple, I have always thought that love can not be forced, I think that love must be born from within and not force Him to go out, must feel that person who falls in love with truth and that is not a hoax, that she is simply free to love someone who loves him, and that by forcing a person you're making that person lose all the brightness he has in his eyes , in his soul, in his heart, in simply his whole being, and seeing a person without brilliance is like seeing the sun and not feeling his warmth, it's just like having the charcoal instead of the diamond.
But something will always tell everyone who knows me, love is what gives strength and sadness to my life, I do not tire of saying it; When I fall in love I feel like I want to go on with everything I have in my mind and all I have and wish to do, but on the other hand when I fall in love and love is unilateral I smash, I feel like my seaweed and spirit put aside all I want to be and It only makes a gray ball of sadness and pain, in those moments I can only hear a voice in my head that tells me to kill, to kill me and thus stop feeling everything that hurts me; Many times I thought to listen to the voices, but in my life appeared someone who certainly changed my mind, although all those times had something in common and I was not happy at all, I do not know how to explain what I felt when I fell in love with all of them , in fact I felt less crowded, but it was not as if I felt completely full, I still felt that something was missing and I did not understand that it was until I arrived that day...
Editado: 25.03.2019