Maybe they’re not just fantasies

“Well, so we were there, fooling around like crazy and his hand went up to... you know; the thing is, I didn’t hold back and when I touched him, properly touched him, he backed away abruptly and told me that we should stop because he’s at work and someone might see us, and blah, blah, blah... So I was left alone and frustrated, cursing myself for initiating something with a scared employee because now I knew what I was missing out on. Anyway... The point is, I should have gone to bed like you did.”

“Mmm, there’s just one small problem.”

“What?”

“In the end, I didn’t go to bed.” The excitement in Belén’s voice at a new sexual gossip is unparalleled, it’s so high-pitched that it could even break glass. “Alright, alright... It’s not a big deal.”

“Not a big deal? It’s been years since you’ve had anything, Emma! Details, I want details.”

“For God’s sake, it seems like your mission in life is for me to have sex...” I mutter with feigned annoyance.

“Oh, come on, if I hadn’t had any in so long, I’d want you to make it your mission to help me get some. Don’t act like you don’t want to tell me, what happened and don’t leave anything out.”

“Well, did you see that I left the nightclub? I couldn’t find a taxi, so I started walking towards where I thought the avenue was, the thing is, on the way, I found a bar and said ‘why not?’ I go in and sit down like it’s normal, and the bartender was so hot, Belén, so hot. He must have been about twenty-five, a young guy, but he was so good-looking, Belén, but so good-looking. Defined abs, light eyes, brown hair, and his shirt fit his arms so snugly that you could see his veins when he grabbed something. So smile here, smile there, some guy buys me a drink...”

“And you hooked up with him! Was he good?” She interrupts almost screaming.

“For God’s sake, no... he could have been my father,” I assure her with repulsion. “He was terrible, he even burped and picked his teeth with a stick.”

“So why did you hook up with him?” She asks, horrified. “Emma, don’t let your need push you into bed with someone who clearly doesn’t deserve you,” she scolds, causing me to burst into laughter. “What are you laughing at? I’m serious.”

“It’s just that I didn’t sleep with him.”

“Then who did you sleep with?”

“With the bartender! If you let me keep telling you the story, you would know.”

“With the young guy?” She asks, surprised.

“Yes! I mean, I know it’s too early to go looking for collagen, but an opportunity like that doesn’t come every day. Anyway, getting back to the story, I got rid of the terrible guy and went back to talking with the bartender, and then I decided to be cool with my drink and some girl spills a drink on me. I take a deep breath and go to the bathroom to clean up, take off my shirt and bam! The bartender shows up and he grabs me, lifts me onto the counter and renews my will to live,” I tell the story quickly, hoping for an opinion that doesn’t come. “Belu, are you listening to me?”

“Yes, yes... it’s just that I still can’t believe you hooked up with a young guy. Wow.”

“Why not?” I ask, feeling judged.

“You know, Emma, you were always very reserved and casual sex was never on your planner...”

“So I’m boring,” I concluded, about to hang up.

“No, that’s not what I meant, you’re taking it the wrong way,” she tried to justify himself before I interrupted her excuse by ending the call.

Just because it’s not her who had sex with a twenty-something in a bathroom and I have to listen, doesn’t mean she can belittle my story. Why couldn’t she just listen and congratulate me for breaking my celibacy?

I scoff and ignore the messages that come through, I put on my headphones and hide from the judgmental eyes of the world, trying to erase any negativity from my head. After that wonderful orgasm, we took a little time to catch our breath. He assured me that he never does things like this, especially at work, but he saw me and couldn’t resist... What a load of crap, I don’t know why I find it hard to believe that a guy like him doesn’t do this with every customer who offers themselves. The point is, he surprised me by proposing to see each other again, it’s strange, I thought he just took the opportunity to be with someone older. Obviously, I said yes, we arranged to meet the following Saturday, although I’m not getting my hopes up, maybe he just wants to finish getting his fix and then disappear. Either way, it’s best not to get too used to it, while I just remembered how much fun sex is, I am well aware of why I imposed my own drought: I got my hopes up and was abandoned for smoother skin, a brighter smile, and a more flexible body. And it’s not even the worst part, it’s the horrible emptiness that you feel when you realize that in the end, “our plans” became solely and exclusively “his plans”; that feeling that you gave absolutely everything for nothing, that you are completely replaceable because after all it wasn’t your dreams that you were pursuing until you were exhausted, burns you from the inside until your sad attempt at self-love turns to ashes in the wind. But that’s enough for now, if I can tempt a guy like this, it means I still have a long way to go. I feel once again that anything is possible, with or without a second romp, I thank Mauricio for getting me out of my mistake.