You don't know me anymore

I wake up abruptly and feel my heart pounding. I wonder if it was the dream I had which I can barely remember, or the pressure I feel in my chest what woke me up like this.
It's been four days since the Dauntless attack. I can hardly sleep and my fears decided that it was a great time to come back and haunt me. The thing is, I don't even know what's haunting me, or perhaps I do know, but I don't want to listen to myself. 
I never remember my dreams clearly. I just know this tachycardia and the sweat running down my face every single night from the day we left the compound and came to the Erudite headquarters. 

I assume this must be all because of the stress of the situation, and it makes me sick. I've always been a gifted person when it comes to self control. I can be objective and cold minded. I can be the one who makes the smartest decision in the hardest of times. Or at least I could... because I was trained for that. That's the point, I was trained. I was born a Dauntless, chose Dauntless and stayed Dauntless. And Dauntless made sure I remained one of them. 
So the question is, why am I wondering why? 

I became an official Dauntless member two years ago. I did the aptitude test and even though I found it hard to figure out some stages of the simulations I knew I had to make the brave choices and think like a Dauntless. That's what my sister told me, before she left four years ago. She used to say I was too smart, to brave and too kind. You can't be kind in Dauntless. You have to be rational and implacable and all the smartness you have it has to be destined to be the best soldier. You can't ask the reason why of everything, we don't question anything, we execute. 
I always admired the bravery of those who defend our city. So I knew that if someday I wanted to be part of that team I had to shape myself according to the faction's rules and expectations. 

Two years later, working at the intelligence division, making important choices and after the attack in the past week I can't help myself but start wondering. 

Is this what the factions were made for? How Dauntless am I if I'm thinking about the people who died and questioning this system? No. This is not my job. My job is to act, to resolve and to be the most perfect strategist I can. 

I need to stop thinking so I jump from the bed and go for a coffee. I hear the pouring rain beating against the window pane. It's been raining since we came here. 
I have a meeting with some leaders in two hours. We're looking for the fugitives divergents and Erudite is working on a powerful device which can tell what percentage of divergency people have. We need to stop them, they say. Yesterday five Dauntless members ran away from here. The leaders call them traitors. Nobody wonders why, they just know they have to eliminate them. Am I becoming a threat too? 

I grab my phone as I'm having my coffee and see I have a text from Jeanine, the Erudite leader. She wants to see me as soon as I wake up. 
I finish it immediately and head to Jeannine's office. 

"Good morning, Ava" says Jeanine standing next to one of the big windows, as her assistant opens the glass door and leaves. "I'm glad you came this fast, this is kind of urgent"

"Good morning, Jeanine" I say, trying to sound calmed after my thoughts and the caffeine minutes ago. "Tell me, what happens?"

She sits at her desk and points to the chair in front of her inviting me to take a seat. 

"You know my opinion about you, you're one of the bravest members we have, sometimes braver and smarter than the leaders." She explains with eagerness in his eyes, "I'm gonna need you and Eric to go on a very important mission."

I remain silent as she finishes. I know she's expecting me to say something immediately but for some reason and for the first time, I feel scared about what she could ask me to do, and even worse, if I have to do it with the most heartless leader. 

"Is everything alright?" She asks me, putting her hands together under her chin. She might have seen the fear in my eyes.

"It's nothing, it just surprises me that you would want me to work with Eric", I answer immediately, trying to sound interested about what she's going to ask me. "He's always on the battlefield, and I never leave the headquarter", I add.

"I know", she says grinning, "that's exactly why I thought of you both. He's the best soldier and you're the best strategist, and I want the best Dauntless members to do this, because I know you will not fail."

I try really hard to hold her gaze. She has already seen me hesitant. She can't see that again. 

"I'm all ears, Jeanine" I say, leaning back on the chair. 

"We're getting close to find out where the traitors Dauntless' have been hiding." She starts explaining."We caught one, thanks to one of them who was playing the spy here." Her face showing disgust. "Besides that, we've finished our pretty little piece of art, which will tell us exactly who's a Divergent and who's not, without margin of error." Now her face shows that dark and threatening smile. 

In other times, I should have smiled like her. I should have been convinced that we were doing the right thing, chasing the traitors, looking for divergents who try to shatter our perfect system of factions. I'm not sure about this anymore, and I hate feeling this way. Why do I feel that everything I used to believe in and fight for is wrong? 
Why am I afraid they want to try that thing on me? 
Whatever I feel right now, she has to believe I'm still the same Ava she met three month ago.