CHAPTER 9. A DESERVED RECOMPENSE.

January 9, 1916.

“Water! Please! Give me water!” yelled the man who was at this moment on a sheet thoroughly stained with blood in a military hospital. “Water! Give me water! Don’t I, don’t I deserve just a few sips of water? Doesn’t he, doesn’t he deserve a few sips of water, the very person who, truly, nothing more and nothing less than miraculously survived the battle for Kayajik Agala hill... doesn’t he deserve a few sips of water? Doesn’t he, doesn’t he deserve a few drops of fresh water, he who by a miracle managed to avoid being delivered as a corpse to the Azmak cemetery? Yes! That's right! And even though I, even though I lost my left leg after that battle, I still, I still haven't lost my own life and my own consciousness! Hear me, rulers of this insane world! I gave you... no! You took all this from me... you, in such a ruthless and merciless way, took all this from me! You took away my health! You took away my mind! You took away my feelings! You took away my bright future, and therefore cast it, as well as my entire being and my entire existence, into an impenetrable darkness! Lately, I have become a feelingless, insane cripple—a cripple with no good, peaceful future! But have you achieved your goals? Have you accomplished what you wanted? What did this war give, what did it send, what did it grant you? I lost my leg, but you lost my obedience and my loyalty! I lost my mind, but you lost my thoughts and my ideas! I lost my feelings, but you lost my trust and my respect for you! I lost my bright future, but you lost a similar quality of glory and pride!.. Water! Please! Just water! No! Of course not! You will not grant me such an opportunity—the opportunity to quench my frantic thirst! Water! Hear me! From now on, you have no need for me—with the loss of my leg, I have lost all value in your eyes: lately I have become for you someone who only, in the name of justice and honor, but still, still demands, and at the same time someone who gives you nothing in return... someone who only... no, not asks, but demands!.. but does nothing, in no way and in no manner, performs!—Lately, my being has become not only a heavy burden for your avarice, but also no less a heavy load, and no less a heavy cross for your conscience, of course, if such a thing even exists in your beings!.. But what, what did I do wrong? I was just what you wanted me to be! I carried out all, without the slightest exception, all your orders and commands! I was the ideal soldier, in your understanding! I was the best soldier among those available! So why, why have I now become useless to you? With the loss of my leg, that same foggy veil that was deliberately enveloping my mind for some reason also disappeared from my mind—I comprehended, I fully realized that I was called to His Majesty's army by no means to, in one way or another, protect and guard the borders, sovereignty, and freedom of my native fatherland, but to destroy, mercilessly destroy other representatives of the human race who were different from you in their views! Will you work wonders for the dead? Will the departed rise up and praise you?[1]... You... You...—as the personification of avaricious rule, as the personification of greedy rulers and a bloodthirsty government! Why, why, under the pretext of defending my fatherland, under the pretext of defending Great Britain, did I end up in the Dardanelles? I was too blind and too proud to realize it before! Lance corporal! I had ascended too high in my urgent thoughts and in my insane desires... I had ascended so high that I could no longer, that I was no longer able to distinguish... where the truth was located, and where the delusion! Lance corporal!.. It seems that a certain... similar... symbol, which so proudly shines on my field uniform... it must be admitted that it shines on it not without reason, for it determines my military rank, however... however, by no means my nature and by no means my thoughts!.. in the times of the flourishing of Roman influence, and accordingly Latin, the most natural way to denote all that is called... no, not victory! no, not victoria[2]!.. but all that is called truth, all that is called veritas[3]!—on my uniform, this symbol, this sign... was inverted! What, what did this mean? Only that the genuine truth of this life and this war was fully understood by that very private who tirelessly dragged my body, mercilessly deprived of a leg, from under the continuously chattering fire—at that moment, this symbol, the Latin letter “V”, was not inverted in his eyes: he saw, in the most natural way, the truth as it was in reality, as it was in fact... Oh! How stupid I was and how, how I was proud, before, before the time of my injury, that this very, aforementioned, symbol was on my uniform—I was proud, I wanted to achieve a lot, and also to prove a lot to this insane world: in reality, I was the most striking bearer of the reverse Latin letter “V” symbol, the bearer of the reverse truth of the ideology—this symbol was the letter “Λ”... which meant nothing more and nothing less than a lie! A lie! A delusion! I blindly and recklessly followed, of course, through countless intermediaries, the instructions and orders of those who so pragmatically and dispassionately organized these wars, and accordingly these battles... the instructions and orders of those on whose clothes there were no Latin or other letters... on whose clothes there were no military symbols, as well as any military signs!.. Water! I beg you! Bring a few sips of water to him... who, in the name of the glory of his native state and its current rulers... without a moment's hesitation... did not hesitate to sacrifice not only his flesh, but also, importantly, his mind and his heart!..—After a few moments, this, no doubt, unfortunate lance corporal, who at this hour was experiencing nothing more and nothing less than an unusually scalding thirst in its strength, it must be noted, not only for water, but also, importantly, for truth, instantly lost his exhausted consciousness, which remained in his power.