10. Platonic love

"You were always the love of my life, if I didn't want you for me it was because I knew that it would only make you suffer." 

-Thalia
 

July 27th, 2010

I gawk at him and it is very strange because very strange things happen to me when I am near him: I get nervous, my heart beats fast and I feel butterflies in my stomach.

I'm in love!

I watch him play basketball from the stands in the school gym, he greets me from afar when he sees me and I blush.

I'm only 12 but I'm madly in love with Jake.
 

April 5th, 2014

"I'd give anything to see you smile like before."

"Having you now with me is more than enough to make me happy."

"I want to see you smile in that special way you have to do it."

He takes me by the hand and the butterflies fly in my stomach, he caresses the back of my hand with his fingers, looking at the lake. We remain like this, in comfortable silence.

"Life is being unfair to you and to all those who love you but I will always be here baby, to support you, hold you and never let you go."

He looks me in the eye, hypnotizes me with them, then I realize what he has said and my eyes fill with tears. It hurts me that he clings to me since I still don't know if I will survive. Suddenly the idea of telling him what I feel comes to mind because I feel that for days the feeling can be reciprocated but I am not doing it out of fear.

"Believe me I will fight for all of you, to keep me alive but don't hold on to me please, you could sink with me."

This is what I manage to say before feeling bad and asking him to help me.
 

August 11th, 2016

Jake comes home agitated while I'm on the balcony soaking up some sun.

"I have something important to tell you! I think I've waited long enough to tell you and I don't want to keep it anymore." My heart races, I know what he will say but I don't want to hear it.

"Whatever it is, it doesn't matter anymore, let's focus on now without thinking about anything else."

"Let me say it, Tali, let me say it."

"This is painful for everyone, Jake! Don't make it harder for me."

"Don't be selfish, Thalia!" He's exasperated and tugs at his hair. I hate hurting him.

"I'm doing it for everyone!" I take his hand and stare at him so he can see all my pain. "Do it for me, for these 10 years of friendship."

He cries, which makes me want to die right away.

"You're slowly killing me by making me keep this to myself, like it's a secret, I don't want to."

"If you love me half as much as I love you, I'm sure you will."

He kisses my cheek gently and leaves. My heart breaks into pieces but I do it for his sake.
 

August 30th, 2016

Jake Sanders:

Without a doubt, this is the most painful letter I will write because this face is for you: My platonic love.

Forgive me for shutting you up that day that you wanted to talk about your feelings for me, but I did it for your good and mine.

I want you to fall in love with a girl, not to hold onto loving feelings for me, because I will no longer be there.

For you, I saved my first times in love, but still, I prefer to take them to my grave. I know it hurts but I didn't want to hold on to anything and you would have been enough reason to look for something more in life but you must understand that I was already suffering too much, that it hurt more and more.

I have loved you since I was 12 years old and I know that it doesn't help your pain much, however, I wanted you to know.

I know that you will be an incredible doctor in whatever area you decide to specialize in, you are a charismatic and very intelligent boy. I wish you all the luck in the world and that you find a good girl for you.

You were always with me to take care of me. Every time I went to chemotherapy, it ended badly and you, no matter what, ran to my house to hug me.

If that day I had been sure that I would survive, I would have given you the opportunity to be the most important thing to me.

You once promised that you would sing that song, inspired by me, that you so jealously guarded. Now is the time, after the funeral, while Charlotte drops the balloons in the lake, I want you to sing it for me. One day I accidentally read it and I loved it! It was just how I felt about you

Don't let Toby forget me, I know you won't either.

Along with this letter is that beautiful chain that you gave me with our names, it never had so much meaning for me, as it does today that I analyze everything I feel for you. Please take it with you.

I will always love you and carry you in my heart!

To my platonic love, from his pretty baby:

Thalia
 

I give the letter to my nanny Rose for her safekeeping and show her the chain.

"Put it in the envelope as soon as it is taken from me, do not deliver them separately." She looks at me and nods. Jake walks into the room and I smile, my nanny leaves to leave us alone.

"You look pretty today." He smiles at me as he sits next to me on the bed, takes my hand and I lean my head on his shoulder.

"Thanks for being here with me, darling."

"It's my pleasure, Tali. I've already decided my specialty." I look at him curious because I remember he said that when he chose it would be because he believes that his vocation will be there. "Oncology, I'll be an oncologist." Hearing it my eyes fill with tears.