Chapter 16. Human Feelings.

March 16, 1949

"Alexandra! In these moments, I want nothing more than to thank you for so graciously agreeing to talk with me—I do not know if you find it pleasant at all, or perhaps not pleasant at all, whether you need it or if it only causes you torment and suffering: whatever the case may be, I sincerely thank you for so wastefully spending the very limited crumbs of your priceless time next to me.

It is very likely that, willingly or unwillingly, there is no doubt that you will undoubtedly, eating these lines with your unusually lovely eyes, whose sparkle is more valuable to me than all the gold and silver in the world, attribute my nature to that very line of ordinary admirers with which, like Normandy on a certain day, every moment, every inch of your unique and amazing life is filled, but… but is there any point in hiding what you already know perfectly well from the first day of our communication—I admire your beauty and you are not indifferent to me! I believe that the looks my eyes give your charm speak more eloquently than hundreds of thousands of words about this secret of mine that has long been known to you: in this world, sometimes words are not needed at all, for they are not able to express what you feel! I do not know consciously for what reason, but for some reason my heart calls me to write these words to you, so laugh at me, despise me, consider me the most insignificant person on earth: this is your choice and I will always accept it with dignity and honor, for you are my choice. At this hour, it is difficult for me to express many things in words, including the emotions I feel toward you—being next to me, you awaken some special feelings inside my being that I am not able to define with words known to humanity: being small, gentle, fragile, you are truly strong, purposeful, and original—how could I not fall in love with you like that? how can the tides not happen on this earth?!

I no longer see the point of hiding what has been known to you since the very first day of our communication—it is nothing more than a Polichinelle's secret!

Of course, I could have put this confession into an oral verbal form and raised it, like an ancient augur to the altar of my own faith, to the altar of your charm during our subsequent meeting, for communication with you is light and relaxed, but I will do it the way I am doing it now—you can condemn me for this: I will understand and accept it. Reading this message further, you will, without a doubt, fully realize why what happened happened exactly this way and not otherwise. From the moment of our first meeting, from the moment of the first contact of our gazes, I accepted and recognized that compared to you, I am an adult child—my voice trembles from the feelings I experience, and this false, unfaithful, rebellious flesh trembles: when you are near, there are no thoughts in me and at the same time they completely overwhelm me, thereby involuntarily creating a unique dissonance in my nature—being outwardly calm, I am burning inside. All my knowledge and logic instantly turn into dust just at the sight of your face—what can I say about the feelings that your gaze or your word awakens in me? Being near you—I am in torment and in eternal self-restraint, when you are not near—I am tormented even more, but I do not tame these impulses at all. All my philosophical reflections that the mind is stronger than the heart are instantly destroyed at the sight of your gentle smile… You are madly proud and narcissistic and that is why I fall in love with you even more with every moment—your young egoism attracts me to itself, like a sharp and bright flame attracts a naive moth to its being: I will never fly again if I am too often near you—but how that light attracts, how that flame attracts, how that warmth attracts! No, do not look for hidden meanings in these words—my feelings, as well as my thoughts, toward you are pure. Every day, looking at you, I admire the Almighty, for you are His most charming creation, and talking to you on abstract topics—I lose my mind and once again thank the Almighty for allowing me to be next to you at this moment. Perhaps, running your gently shining lines over the worn whiteness of that parchment, you will not feel any other feelings at that hour, except for exceptional admiration for your own strength, and accordingly the unique triumph of your power over me—I will accept a gift of this kind from you with an open heart, for, I repeat, my feelings for you are pure, and my thoughts are virtuous. Every one of your movements is poetic, every one of your glances is a work of art: perhaps this is the reason why I so frantically yearn to constantly see your eyes and tirelessly admire them? Who would have thought that you would study here, and I would languish here before you, sometimes burning with shame, sometimes burning with passion? Who would have thought that you would agree to take a walk with me for such a short, but so full amount of time? Who would have thought…

Do you want to read the very thoughts that communication with you generates in me? Do you want to fully realize your influence and power over me? Do you want to understand that this power is indescribable, for it has no facets? Without in any way realizing it yourself, you have bestowed upon me with extraordinary generosity exceptional inspiration, and therefore in my subsequent works I will make you a heroine everywhere—after a certain amount of time, you will be able to find your image on the pages of my books: you will recognize yourself in each of these images, for your beauty, as well as your nature, is unique. How insane I have become… but my mental illness is You! How drunk I am… but I have drunk Your beauty! How blind I am… I am in love with You!