I was walking home and I decided that I wanted to go the park to get some of those thoughts out of my mind and take some fresh air. The world outside has so much life. More than my own house would ever. Even when I look out of the window, it’s so much fun to watch the cars at night. Walking in the park I feel like I have a habit to observe every little thing. The green trees, the tall structures and the lights coming from the buildings, parents playing with their children, the colour of the sky. I have a habit of doing that. I guess it distracts me from my thoughts, for a little while, at least. My thoughts were interrupted when I was hit by something. It was a shuttlecock and it was a little kid playing on his own.
Kid - “I’m sorry ma’am I didn’t mean to hit you.”
His facial expressions was telling me he was genuinely sorry and he was a bit sad as well.
Lucy - “That’s alright, little one it was just an accident. I want to ask you. Are you playing on you own?”
Kid- “Oh, umm….yes, I am.”
Lucy - "Also you dont have to call me ma'am you can call me sister. I'm not that old. "
Kid - "Oki, sister."
I really felt sorry for the kid. At such a young age he was playing on his own. I was confused as to why.
Lucy - “Why are you playing by yourself? Did you not come with a friend or a family member?”
Kid -“I’m here with my brother but he’s playing games on his phone.”
A part of me wanted to punch his brother on the face and tell him, “Did you come to the park to play games instead of with your brother? Really?”
Lucy: “Do you want me to play with you for a bit? I’m not really busy. That is, if you’re fine with it.”
Kid: “Really?! You would do that?? Thank you so much!”
Seeing the little one happy made me smile after such a long time. I know this may seem weird, but I felt over the moon. Is this what it would feel like to play with my brother? I had imagined that a few times. Those type of scenes that you would see in movies where the siblings fight and bicker over something seemed so adorable to me.
Can I tell you something? My brother and I haven’t had any fights like those. We would barely see each other. Let alone have a conversation. It was like a miracle if we had one. I wouldn’t be surprised if he didn’t know me. He probably doesn’t even know when my birthday is or that I’m allergic to a high intake of dust. Because I was home when I was younger, I got to know a little about him through my mom. When she would cook something for him or clean his awfully dirty room.
After hanging out with the little kid, he was telling him about me and I could see he couldn’t care any less. He was just nodding or saying “Yeah?” I couldn’t help but glare at him. I just wanted to grab his collar and scream at him. I don’t know why I felt so angry. I wasn’t really sure. Was it because seeing him reminded me of him and my brother? Seeing him like that just made my heart upset. I just hoped that he would be happy, that little boy being at that age should have all the joy in the world.
They were about to leave but before they did, the little boy whose name is Roy thanked me once more and gave me a hug with his tiny little hands. I don’t know why I felt so emotional and it was as if I was being healed by something. I hugged him back and told him if he ever wanted to play again, I come around in the park and we could hang out. The joy on his little face made me feel what I hadn’t in a long time. That empty space in my heart even for a bit felt full.
He waved me goodbye and there I was on my own again. Though I did feel upset that I was alone again, I was happy at the end that I could help someone by making them smile. I walked a little more in the park and then felt sort of tired so I went back home. It was peaceful while going back. Everywhere I saw I felt all these emotions that I wish I could bottle in and when I felt sad to perfume them all over me.
As I entered the house, I removed my shoes and headed on in. I drank a little bit of water and showered to freshen myself up. I looked outside the window. The sky colour was pleasing to look at. With all those little stars I saw in the sky. Whenever I tried to make a constellation, I always failed. I don’t know what I ended up making.
I remember reading this quote a long time ago. “If you’re ever feeling lonely just look at the moon someone, somewhere is looking at it right now too.” That quote makes you delighted after reading it. Because the truth is, you never walk alone. But all these years, I felt nothing but that.
I closed the window because it was a little chilly. I went to bed but couldn’t sleep. All sorts of random thoughts came in my mind. Things that haven’t ever happened before starting coming. I couldn’t control my mind. It felt as if some devil was. All horrible moments from my past were filled in my mind and I couldn’t stop myself from what was happening. This wasn’t the first time though. It has happened multiple times in the past.
I started getting panic attacks. I couldn’t breathe properly. I went as fast I could to the kitchen, drank some water and tried to take deep breathes to somehow calm myself down. I just sat down on the floor and cried my heart out. Why do I feel this way? Why is it so difficult to be happy? Can’t I just be the way I am? My terrifying past haunts me till today and I don’t know what to do.