Mother- “Lucy don’t forget to take your meals.”
Lucy- “Alright mom you don’t have to worry. I’m not a little kid anymore.”
Mother- “I know but I’m still kind of concerned. You look thinner than before.”
Lucy- “I will assure you mom, I do eat. Just not as much as before, but I will try to take care of myself. I appreciate the concern, but I’m alright.”
Mother- *sigh* “Alright.”
Lucy- “Ok everyone, I’m leaving now.”
I said my goodbyes and headed out of my parents’ house. Well as you can tell I live on my own right now I just visited my parents’ house after a really long time. I normally would visit maybe every 2 weeks but it had been a month since the last time I met up with them. I seem to have gotten used to it that way. Everything I do is mainly on my own. The main reason I moved out of my parents’ was because I liked having my own space and not having to depend on anyone.
I only have 1 brother and he and I don’t talk as much. He is always busy doing one thing or the other and doesn’t have much time on his hands to spend time with family. I guess my parents wouldn’t mind it too much as long as he doesn’t cause trouble for them. Sometimes I feel as if I’m the only child in the house. The only time my brother and I do get to spend is when I come home. That too my mother has to tell him to stay at home. If she tells him to stay his reply will always be “What will I do with her mother? It’s not like we are kids anymore that we will sit and play games with each other.” I know he loves playing the play station but he rather plays with his friends which, to him, seem a lot cooler than me.
My parents and I don’t really have such a bond with each other that I could talk to them as friends. Normally, I don’t tell them anything because they wouldn’t understand. Like when I was depressed or had school problems. When I would complain to them they would say “why not just drop out of school?” I’d ask them if I didn’t go to school, what would I do? Their answer leaves me speechless “You would work at home, doing chores.”
It always seemed as they didn’t understand what I was going through. To them, problems are things like bills and work. And to be honest, that’s not the only thing to worry about. I can’t blame them because they haven’t really went through something like this during their time.
When I had to talk to someone, I would talk to my friends at the time. But today, I don’t even do much of that anymore. It surprises me a little of how much I don’t speak about myself and more about others. I used to have best friends but….now I don’t. After my experience, I decided having friends is such a waste of time. It’s definitely not something for me. I do have friends, yes, but I’m not close with them as to share my life stories
So most of my time, I’m lonely. And I don’t think I hate it as much.
Like I have mentioned before, that I’m not really close with my parents. If I were to say which one I was close with, it would be my mother. I do understand that both my parents do care and love me. But in my eyes, and my heart it was empty. I wanted them to sit down with me ask me how I am and listen without judgement.
My mother, I would tell her stuff here and there about my life. She would tell me loads of things about life. Pretty much that there are much worse things out there. I do understand her but at the same time that doesn’t really help me in any way. So I stopped telling her most of my stories. My father and I have such a relationship that I will see him working and I will walk by past him as if he’s some stranger.
What always hurts me the most is the fact is that when my brother came from school everyone would always ask how his day was. My parents would rarely ever ask me any of that cause in their eyes I was a grown up. I wouldn’t really mind being asked that. I usually would just tell them anything unexpected that would happen and a conversation I guess would flow somehow.
My father would notice whenever my brother would come home or when he wasn’t. It would make my heart ache. Was it really a sin to be a daughter? Would things be better if I was a boy? The normal talk I would ever have with my father would be if it was my future. Or since I’m the one who has the most interests in technology, he would call to ask why the internet wasn’t working. I think to myself he would know his colleagues better than me .
He would scold me if I stayed in my room all day and use my phone. I’m wondering to myself what do I do if not stay I my room? Sure, I do help my mother with chores. He was in fact ready to get me married. I never understood this logic why are girls given such a topic? Are we are born to get married off to someone? Thinking about all this makes me tear up. Why did I have such thoughts and can’t brush them off?
My only hope till today has been that I would find someone who would love me for me and prove it.