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Have you ever thought about how you will die? How will it be? Will you have no regrets moving on from this life to the next (if you believe in a next)?
I have always thought about that… I mean death. I have this crazy thought about not living past 50 years and a strong feeling of dying out of cancer. I have not really thought about what sort of, just generally cancer. I would however had done all that I want. Have a successful career and a happy family. And when the time comes, I would be ready to go with no regrets whatsoever. I'm twenty now and every day I wake up and smile at my life.
"Good morning love." I smile brightly at my beautiful mother. My biggest support. I leaned in for a warm embrace and a kiss on the cheek.
"Good morning to you." she smiled at me opening her arms wide to embrace me.
My rock, my mom, was a strong individual. So strong that she let go of her unfaithful husband of twenty years to be there for us and herself. I could see how happy she has become since she left him. She found studying to be fun again, like she had done once before all of this happened to her.
"Foooooodd!" I demand. I sit down on the table that holds nothing for breakfast.
She gives me a look and points at the fridge. I stand up and open it to look through it. I see melon and I am pretty happy for melon, so I take it out and start to slice it. I slice enough for me and four more people, meaning all of it to be exact. I put it on the table and start munching away as I watch my mom do the dishes.
"Melon?" I ask her.
"I had breakfast and am full but thank you." She states as she takes a slice. I smile at her action.
"Mom. I have something really important to tell you."
"What is it? I hope you did not do something stupid again." She said in a not so amused voice.
"You know sand?"
"What about it?" She seemed annoyed at what I was going to say before I even tried saying it. She knew it wasn't as important as she had wished for it to be.
There are more sand corns on earth than stars in the sky. But I was not about to tell her that. I passed that piece of information and just blurted. "I love you as much as there is sand on this earth." She just simply acted as if she never heard me.
"Do the dishes." she said coldly. I was a little disappointed at the fact because I hoped she would say it back. But we all knew that in this family this shit ain't gonna happen. Excuse my ratchet outburst, it comes out sometimes. I learnt it from my beloved sister (note the sarcasm). She is the most ratchet person I know in fact.
By the way let me introduce my family. There is my mom and little sister My and an older brother, Moe. My father is a shadow over us. He is there but not really. He has his own family and job in another city and we call one another every now and then nothing more nothing less.
"School." My thought process got disturbed by a scream of what sounds like my mom. I look up at the clock. Oh shit! It's 7.30 and the bus is leaving in ten. I leave my half-eaten third slice and run up to gather my jacket, bag and lunchbox that I premade yesterday and ran out of the door.
It takes four minutes to the bus stop and I have to give the bus three minutes before and after its approximated arrival time just in case. Then I take the bus and after that the train, then bus again to be standing in front of my school. Now that I am at last inside I can take it a little easy, the commuting of at least 40 minutes to get here and an additional 40 minutes to get home was not my favorite part of studying.
Most people find it both time and money consuming and tell me to just move into the city already. But I can't bear to leave my family just yet. And I really love the landscape that I get treated to every morning. It's so worth it all year round, both when it is snow and when there is sun.
When I arrive at our school building I am fully awake and calmed down. Our school lays between a cemetery, a mental hospital and a daycare. Oh well, it is a nursing school and the building was close to the hospital where we often practice.
"Ayla! We start in ten!" screamed one of my two close friends, Katy.
"I know." I said before turning to the other side of the corridor to put my food in the dining rooms fridge.
"It is out most important to remember that the human body can’t really function correctly if the nervous system is affected in any way that causes the long communication threads of neurons to stop. If the synapses don't receive the signal, then we pretty much are fucked." all of us laughed. This lecturer was funny. Neurology was more fun than I expected it would be.
"I am holding a party at my place." Katy said to Joe, my other close friend. She knew I was not coming because of how inconvenient it would be for me to travel back home at three am or whatever time the party was ending.
Other than the commuting there was the studying, I needed to study more. I failed three really hard tests about seven times in total. I needed to get my life together and get on with my plans. It was my weakness, I have never failed so hard before, in anything. It was killing me and bringing me into depression. Slowly, I was losing control over my life. I was worried I might be falling behind, and afraid to have this as a regret when I'm dying. I hated even the slight idea of that happening.